About Bernadette - Article Archives

Winning the Whining War

published at CuriousParents.com - March 2006

When a child whines, it can drive you batty and wear you down--fast. Parents, desperate to find a way to help their child calm down, have tried all kinds of remedies to stop the whining: begging, threatening, scolding, tricking, appeasing. These tactics rarely work, or if they do, their success is short lived. Once you understand why children whine, and how your reactions to them may be the fuel that keeps this behavior going, you can eliminate it.

WHY DO CHILDREN WHINE?

They want attention. Sometimes children feel they are being ignored, tuned out or responded to in an automatic way. When this happens, they adopt a strategy of whining, pleading, throwing tantrums and other demanding behaviors, simply to get your attention.

SOME STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU

Have a family meeting to address the whining issue, implement a solution, and a logical consequence. Be sure to get an "agreement" from the child so they understand what is expected of them and what will happen should they break their "agreement."
Have an automatic consequence set in place before your child (who has a habit of whining for attention) forgets their "agreement."
Give gentle reminders asking for the behavior you want by getting down at eye level to communicate with your child. By making yourself physically smaller, you appear less intimidating, and ease any anxiety your child might have in talking to you.
Listen to what your child wants, and mirror his words and feelings back. For example, if your child says, "I’m hungry," respond with, "So the old belly is growling, is it?" This makes the child feel that you are really listening and you care to respond to his need of receiving attention.
Try not to be arbitrary in saying no, or deny requests out of habit or convenience. Assess if a "no" is necessary. If it is, could you ease your child's disappointment by offering an alternative or giving him some choices? Try saying something like, "I don’t want you to spoil your lunch. How about a piece of fruit now and a piece of candy after you eat your sandwich? Would you like an apple or an orange?"
Be clear, specific and certain when you answer your child’s questions and weight their requests. Avoid using words like "maybe," "later" or "I’ll think about it." This eliminates opportunities for your child to keep pressuring you to get their way.
Ignore all whining, tantrums, arguing, pleading, deal making and other demanding behaviors you want to eliminate.

Of course, preventing the whining before it starts might be an even better solution. Here are some ways to make your life less stressful and their life a little calmer.

Take care of yourself. You can’t give to your child something you do not have for yourself. Get the rest, exercise and diet you need to meet the demands of parenting.
Allow and invite expression of feelings for both your child and yourself.
Whenever possible, make agreements regarding what is acceptable and what is not.
Keep your word. Consistency helps make sure they follow all agreements and realize there are consequences.
Promote structure and routine.
Give your child daily encouragement.

The bottom line is to continue being an active listener and to apply the strategies regularly, without fail.

view article as
Abobe PDF

Return to top