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Q & A - What is your professional opinion on spanking?

published at CuriousParents.com - October 2006

Q: What is your professional opinion on spanking? When I find I can’t take it anymore, I seem to resort to spanking, and I do not feel good about it. Afterwards I feel guilty so I try to just use it as a threat...it doesn’t always work. What is a mother to do?

A: Spanked Children Lose Trust

"You know, I have to spank her over and over again for the same thing. But it just doesn’t seem to work. The next day she’s back at it again." Does this sound familiar? This is the lament of many parents. Not only does spanking not work, but it can also create many unintentional harmful effects in our children.

In his booklet, Plain Talk About Spanking, Jordan Riak writes: "the act of spanking a child erodes the bond of trust between the child and the parent. The spanked child is less able to regard the parent as a source of care, protection, and comfort which are vital to every child’s healthy development." Without a sense of trust of his parent, the child’s ability to grow up and to be an emotionally healthy adult who is able to trust and love others is severely hindered.

Children’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem suffer greatly when they are spanked. Children who are given corporal punishment view themselves not as lovable, confident and worthy, but as undeserving and inadequate. This sets them up to become the "neighborhood bully who terrorizes smaller children," Riak said. These children learn to believe that might makes right and that it is okay to use violence to solve their problems.

Children who are spanked or who are threatened with spanking may become rebellious, revengeful and resentful toward their parents over time. They do not become more trustworthy and responsible, with an inner control of their behavior, after receiving a spanking. In my classes, many parents can remember being punished, but they rarely remember why they were treated punitively. Spanking children fails to teach them how to be responsible and how to behave properly, acceptably and appropriately. I find most parents think the bad behavior will stop. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Children do not need to hurt first to do better; children do better when they feel better!

Many parents wonder, "If I don’t punish her for being bad, how will she ever learn to be good?" Parents need to let go of the idea of controlling their children. They can control the situation and use consequences instead of punishment. Instead of being punitive, parents need to adopt an attitude of decent, respectful, nonviolent educational discipline toward their children.

Parents can become inspiring, guiding, leading encouragers of their children to help them learn how to behave properly in different situations. This begins with the parent and is something all parents can learn to do for the sake of our children in our own city, across America and ultimately, throughout the world.

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