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Q & A - Fighting

published at CuriousParents.com - April 2006

Q: Help, my kids are fighting again. What can I do?
-Debbie G. from Cherry Hill, NJ

A: Children can do many things, and one of the most frustrating things they do is fight with each other. Sometimes parents stop the fight that is in progress, but nothing seems effective in preventing the fights that will start tomorrow and the next day. First, you should know there are three ingredients that go into fighting, two of which you can’t control or change: a child’s birth order, sibling rivalry, and parental response.

Birth order can modify how a child feels about fitting into their family. Sibling rivalry plays out in different ways as children become older like when the first born has to make room for the second born. Then, there’s the age-old fight about older siblings receiving privileges others do not. Parental response is the only solution parents have to stop the fighting!

The best way to train your children to stop fighting is to refuse to get involved. Parents have a difficult time believing that the main reason children fight is to get them involved, until they stay out of the arguments and experience the drastic reduction in fighting. If you can’t stand to stay out of your children’s fights and decide to become involved, the most effective way is to treat them the same. Do not take sides or try to decide who is at fault.

One parent decided to stay out of her children’s fights. She chose a conflict-free time and explained to her children that she really didn’t like getting involved in their fights and that from now on she was sure they could figure out ways to solve their own problems. During a family meeting, they discussed four problemsolving steps to help the children work out their differences.

10 TIPS TO KEEP YOUR KIDS FROM FIGHTING

1. Role model staying out of the fight by stating, "Work it out between the two of you."
2. Teach children how to negotiate with words asking for what they want.
3. Teach children that it is alright to agree to disagree.
4. Teach children that a win-win situation sounds like "how can you get what you want and be happy?" and "how can I get what I want and be happy?"
5. Listen. The child with the most anger goes first to speak while the other child learns to listen to what is the problem and what can be done differently to create a win-win situation.
6. Take some down time to get calm—words are only good at friendly times.
7. Teach children how to make agreements with their most common arguments before fighting begins.
8. There are two kinds of fighting: play fighting and real fighting. Have children agree real fighting is not permitted and play fighting must be mutually agreed upon.
9. Have consequences set up when children refuse to work things out.
10. Follow through as a parent when children test your limits. This model allows children to be accountable and responsible for their words and behavior.

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